Topic : It is not a good idea to go to shopping when you are hungry
Kind of Development : Development by space
It is not a good idea to go grocery shopping when we are hungry. The grocery is far in the distant south about two kilometers from here. T-intersection in front of the street there is an art gallery. A bit closer of it’s place is post office. In the west close by school are housting authority. Two hundreds meter before that there is a supermarket. A bit closer of our position is hospital.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: The topic sentence cannot be developed by "space". You have chosen the wrong type of development. However, regardless of the topic sentence, the development of your paragraph is ok - it shows that you understand this type of development.
- Grammar & vocab: generally ok.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Feedback on Assignment 2 – Muru Mahrafil. M
Topic : Getting a driver’s license is a complicated process
Kind of Development : Development by time
Getting a driver’s license is a complicated process. At the first step, a driver should prepare her/his residence identification card. Second, the driver has to go to the police office to register as a driver’s license maker. When the driver register as a driver’s license maker, he/she should pay Rp. 250.000 as registration cost. After that, in the next step, the driver will follow two kinds of test. In the first test, the driver has to answer some questions which is given by police. In the next test, the driver has to follow a driving test where in this test, the driver should drive his/her car/motorcycle on the route which is given by police. If the driver can follow all the test well, the driver will get driver’s license but the driver has to wait for a week until the license is finished.
Feedbacks:
-Organisation: very good. You have developed the paragraph very well!
-Grammar & vocab: generally ok
Kind of Development : Development by time
Getting a driver’s license is a complicated process. At the first step, a driver should prepare her/his residence identification card. Second, the driver has to go to the police office to register as a driver’s license maker. When the driver register as a driver’s license maker, he/she should pay Rp. 250.000 as registration cost. After that, in the next step, the driver will follow two kinds of test. In the first test, the driver has to answer some questions which is given by police. In the next test, the driver has to follow a driving test where in this test, the driver should drive his/her car/motorcycle on the route which is given by police. If the driver can follow all the test well, the driver will get driver’s license but the driver has to wait for a week until the license is finished.
Feedbacks:
-Organisation: very good. You have developed the paragraph very well!
-Grammar & vocab: generally ok
Feedback on Assignment 2 – Risman
Topic : An athlete in training need to show much self-discipline
Kind of Development : Development from supporting fact to general statement
An athlete in training need to show much self-discipline. An athlete that apply self-discipline will get benefit for their self. for example self-discipline on time an athlete will be able to practice came to the area on time. They also will respect the time and using it efficiently. On other hand self-discipline in cloting will give beautiful performance. So that, the their trainer will love them. Therefore self-discipline for an athlete is important in training.
FEEDBACKS:
-Organisation: ok.
- Grammar:
Sentence 2: "An athlete" must not go with "their self" (and it must be "themselves"). It should be "An athlete..... for him/herself"
"On other hand" must be "On the other hand"
In "the their trainer", you do not need "the", so just write "So that, their trainer."
Kind of Development : Development from supporting fact to general statement
An athlete in training need to show much self-discipline. An athlete that apply self-discipline will get benefit for their self. for example self-discipline on time an athlete will be able to practice came to the area on time. They also will respect the time and using it efficiently. On other hand self-discipline in cloting will give beautiful performance. So that, the their trainer will love them. Therefore self-discipline for an athlete is important in training.
FEEDBACKS:
-Organisation: ok.
- Grammar:
Sentence 2: "An athlete" must not go with "their self" (and it must be "themselves"). It should be "An athlete..... for him/herself"
"On other hand" must be "On the other hand"
In "the their trainer", you do not need "the", so just write "So that, their trainer."
Feedback on Assignment 2 – Rina Magdalena
Topic : It is not a good idea to go to shopping when you are hungry
Kind of Development : Development from general statement to supporting facts
Go to grocery shopping is not a good idea when you are hungry. Grocery shopping only make you more confuse because it is not provide the instant food in this case if you are hungry you can eat in direct way. Grocery shopping only provide the rude food, so you must cook it before you eat.
FEEDBACKS:
- Organisation: The supporting sentences do not really SUPPORT the topic sentence, not only they are too short, but also because they are irrelevant.You should have written about why shopping while hungry is not a good idea. Next time, you need to develop your paragraph in a better way.
- Gram & vocab: not bad as they go, but again there is not enough to evaluate your grammar & vocab.
Kind of Development : Development from general statement to supporting facts
Go to grocery shopping is not a good idea when you are hungry. Grocery shopping only make you more confuse because it is not provide the instant food in this case if you are hungry you can eat in direct way. Grocery shopping only provide the rude food, so you must cook it before you eat.
FEEDBACKS:
- Organisation: The supporting sentences do not really SUPPORT the topic sentence, not only they are too short, but also because they are irrelevant.You should have written about why shopping while hungry is not a good idea. Next time, you need to develop your paragraph in a better way.
- Gram & vocab: not bad as they go, but again there is not enough to evaluate your grammar & vocab.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Feedback on Assignment 2 – Faridh Hidayat
Topic : Clothing styles change from one country to another
Kind of Development : Development from general statement to supporting fact
Clothing styles changes from one country to another. It caused some factors such as, buyer power of people are increasing, every country want to be stylist, they want to be beautiful, and they want their performance different than others. Another factors is there are some designers who have good idea modificating their design in clothing styles.
FEEDBACKS:
- Organisation: The topic sentence and the supporting sentences are rather irrelevant. Your topic sentence is about "changes in styles of clothing in different countries", so the supporting sentences must be about the different styles of clothing, not about the factors that affect it.
- Grammar : It caused by some factors ..
buyer power must be purchasing power
Kind of Development : Development from general statement to supporting fact
Clothing styles changes from one country to another. It caused some factors such as, buyer power of people are increasing, every country want to be stylist, they want to be beautiful, and they want their performance different than others. Another factors is there are some designers who have good idea modificating their design in clothing styles.
FEEDBACKS:
- Organisation: The topic sentence and the supporting sentences are rather irrelevant. Your topic sentence is about "changes in styles of clothing in different countries", so the supporting sentences must be about the different styles of clothing, not about the factors that affect it.
- Grammar : It caused by some factors ..
buyer power must be purchasing power
Feedback on Assignment 2 – Muntiani
Topic : It is not a good idea to go to shopping when you are hungry
Kind of Development : Development from supporting fact to general statement
Grocery shopping is one of the interesting place which invite many people. Some people go to there to shopping and others just looking, and sometime when people to shopping they don’t think are they hungry or not. They don’t realize its can be influence them, the first example, the can buy anything they see in grocery shopping, it can give negative impact, because they can spend much money, and the scond the body is weak its give bad impact to the healthy, and the finally some people can be lost control and lost concentrate, they can clash somebody or something on their front. So, it is no a good idea to go grocery shopping when you are hungry.
Feedback:
- Organisation: good. But "the first example" should be in separate sentence. You better said "For example,....". Also, some other sentences should be separated.
- Grammar : go to there must be go there
to shopping must be to shop
- Vocab : ok
Kind of Development : Development from supporting fact to general statement
Grocery shopping is one of the interesting place which invite many people. Some people go to there to shopping and others just looking, and sometime when people to shopping they don’t think are they hungry or not. They don’t realize its can be influence them, the first example, the can buy anything they see in grocery shopping, it can give negative impact, because they can spend much money, and the scond the body is weak its give bad impact to the healthy, and the finally some people can be lost control and lost concentrate, they can clash somebody or something on their front. So, it is no a good idea to go grocery shopping when you are hungry.
Feedback:
- Organisation: good. But "the first example" should be in separate sentence. You better said "For example,....". Also, some other sentences should be separated.
- Grammar : go to there must be go there
to shopping must be to shop
- Vocab : ok
Feedback on Assignment 1 – Rina Magdalena’s Group
My Sister
My sister is a nurse at Bhayangkara Hospital. She has worked there for five years. Her main job in the hospital are helping doctor to look after the patients and sometimes she joins the doctor team to operate the patient. She spends almost of her time at the hospital and she never feel tired to run this job.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: topic and supporting sentences are ok.
- Grammar : mostly ok.
- Vocab: ok
My sister is a nurse at Bhayangkara Hospital. She has worked there for five years. Her main job in the hospital are helping doctor to look after the patients and sometimes she joins the doctor team to operate the patient. She spends almost of her time at the hospital and she never feel tired to run this job.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: topic and supporting sentences are ok.
- Grammar : mostly ok.
- Vocab: ok
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