Topic : It is not a good idea to go to shopping when you are hungry
Kind of Development : Development by space
It is not a good idea to go grocery shopping when we are hungry. The grocery is far in the distant south about two kilometers from here. T-intersection in front of the street there is an art gallery. A bit closer of it’s place is post office. In the west close by school are housting authority. Two hundreds meter before that there is a supermarket. A bit closer of our position is hospital.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: The topic sentence cannot be developed by "space". You have chosen the wrong type of development. However, regardless of the topic sentence, the development of your paragraph is ok - it shows that you understand this type of development.
- Grammar & vocab: generally ok.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Feedback on Assignment 2 – Muru Mahrafil. M
Topic : Getting a driver’s license is a complicated process
Kind of Development : Development by time
Getting a driver’s license is a complicated process. At the first step, a driver should prepare her/his residence identification card. Second, the driver has to go to the police office to register as a driver’s license maker. When the driver register as a driver’s license maker, he/she should pay Rp. 250.000 as registration cost. After that, in the next step, the driver will follow two kinds of test. In the first test, the driver has to answer some questions which is given by police. In the next test, the driver has to follow a driving test where in this test, the driver should drive his/her car/motorcycle on the route which is given by police. If the driver can follow all the test well, the driver will get driver’s license but the driver has to wait for a week until the license is finished.
Feedbacks:
-Organisation: very good. You have developed the paragraph very well!
-Grammar & vocab: generally ok
Kind of Development : Development by time
Getting a driver’s license is a complicated process. At the first step, a driver should prepare her/his residence identification card. Second, the driver has to go to the police office to register as a driver’s license maker. When the driver register as a driver’s license maker, he/she should pay Rp. 250.000 as registration cost. After that, in the next step, the driver will follow two kinds of test. In the first test, the driver has to answer some questions which is given by police. In the next test, the driver has to follow a driving test where in this test, the driver should drive his/her car/motorcycle on the route which is given by police. If the driver can follow all the test well, the driver will get driver’s license but the driver has to wait for a week until the license is finished.
Feedbacks:
-Organisation: very good. You have developed the paragraph very well!
-Grammar & vocab: generally ok
Feedback on Assignment 2 – Risman
Topic : An athlete in training need to show much self-discipline
Kind of Development : Development from supporting fact to general statement
An athlete in training need to show much self-discipline. An athlete that apply self-discipline will get benefit for their self. for example self-discipline on time an athlete will be able to practice came to the area on time. They also will respect the time and using it efficiently. On other hand self-discipline in cloting will give beautiful performance. So that, the their trainer will love them. Therefore self-discipline for an athlete is important in training.
FEEDBACKS:
-Organisation: ok.
- Grammar:
Sentence 2: "An athlete" must not go with "their self" (and it must be "themselves"). It should be "An athlete..... for him/herself"
"On other hand" must be "On the other hand"
In "the their trainer", you do not need "the", so just write "So that, their trainer."
Kind of Development : Development from supporting fact to general statement
An athlete in training need to show much self-discipline. An athlete that apply self-discipline will get benefit for their self. for example self-discipline on time an athlete will be able to practice came to the area on time. They also will respect the time and using it efficiently. On other hand self-discipline in cloting will give beautiful performance. So that, the their trainer will love them. Therefore self-discipline for an athlete is important in training.
FEEDBACKS:
-Organisation: ok.
- Grammar:
Sentence 2: "An athlete" must not go with "their self" (and it must be "themselves"). It should be "An athlete..... for him/herself"
"On other hand" must be "On the other hand"
In "the their trainer", you do not need "the", so just write "So that, their trainer."
Feedback on Assignment 2 – Rina Magdalena
Topic : It is not a good idea to go to shopping when you are hungry
Kind of Development : Development from general statement to supporting facts
Go to grocery shopping is not a good idea when you are hungry. Grocery shopping only make you more confuse because it is not provide the instant food in this case if you are hungry you can eat in direct way. Grocery shopping only provide the rude food, so you must cook it before you eat.
FEEDBACKS:
- Organisation: The supporting sentences do not really SUPPORT the topic sentence, not only they are too short, but also because they are irrelevant.You should have written about why shopping while hungry is not a good idea. Next time, you need to develop your paragraph in a better way.
- Gram & vocab: not bad as they go, but again there is not enough to evaluate your grammar & vocab.
Kind of Development : Development from general statement to supporting facts
Go to grocery shopping is not a good idea when you are hungry. Grocery shopping only make you more confuse because it is not provide the instant food in this case if you are hungry you can eat in direct way. Grocery shopping only provide the rude food, so you must cook it before you eat.
FEEDBACKS:
- Organisation: The supporting sentences do not really SUPPORT the topic sentence, not only they are too short, but also because they are irrelevant.You should have written about why shopping while hungry is not a good idea. Next time, you need to develop your paragraph in a better way.
- Gram & vocab: not bad as they go, but again there is not enough to evaluate your grammar & vocab.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Feedback on Assignment 2 – Faridh Hidayat
Topic : Clothing styles change from one country to another
Kind of Development : Development from general statement to supporting fact
Clothing styles changes from one country to another. It caused some factors such as, buyer power of people are increasing, every country want to be stylist, they want to be beautiful, and they want their performance different than others. Another factors is there are some designers who have good idea modificating their design in clothing styles.
FEEDBACKS:
- Organisation: The topic sentence and the supporting sentences are rather irrelevant. Your topic sentence is about "changes in styles of clothing in different countries", so the supporting sentences must be about the different styles of clothing, not about the factors that affect it.
- Grammar : It caused by some factors ..
buyer power must be purchasing power
Kind of Development : Development from general statement to supporting fact
Clothing styles changes from one country to another. It caused some factors such as, buyer power of people are increasing, every country want to be stylist, they want to be beautiful, and they want their performance different than others. Another factors is there are some designers who have good idea modificating their design in clothing styles.
FEEDBACKS:
- Organisation: The topic sentence and the supporting sentences are rather irrelevant. Your topic sentence is about "changes in styles of clothing in different countries", so the supporting sentences must be about the different styles of clothing, not about the factors that affect it.
- Grammar : It caused by some factors ..
buyer power must be purchasing power
Feedback on Assignment 2 – Muntiani
Topic : It is not a good idea to go to shopping when you are hungry
Kind of Development : Development from supporting fact to general statement
Grocery shopping is one of the interesting place which invite many people. Some people go to there to shopping and others just looking, and sometime when people to shopping they don’t think are they hungry or not. They don’t realize its can be influence them, the first example, the can buy anything they see in grocery shopping, it can give negative impact, because they can spend much money, and the scond the body is weak its give bad impact to the healthy, and the finally some people can be lost control and lost concentrate, they can clash somebody or something on their front. So, it is no a good idea to go grocery shopping when you are hungry.
Feedback:
- Organisation: good. But "the first example" should be in separate sentence. You better said "For example,....". Also, some other sentences should be separated.
- Grammar : go to there must be go there
to shopping must be to shop
- Vocab : ok
Kind of Development : Development from supporting fact to general statement
Grocery shopping is one of the interesting place which invite many people. Some people go to there to shopping and others just looking, and sometime when people to shopping they don’t think are they hungry or not. They don’t realize its can be influence them, the first example, the can buy anything they see in grocery shopping, it can give negative impact, because they can spend much money, and the scond the body is weak its give bad impact to the healthy, and the finally some people can be lost control and lost concentrate, they can clash somebody or something on their front. So, it is no a good idea to go grocery shopping when you are hungry.
Feedback:
- Organisation: good. But "the first example" should be in separate sentence. You better said "For example,....". Also, some other sentences should be separated.
- Grammar : go to there must be go there
to shopping must be to shop
- Vocab : ok
Feedback on Assignment 1 – Rina Magdalena’s Group
My Sister
My sister is a nurse at Bhayangkara Hospital. She has worked there for five years. Her main job in the hospital are helping doctor to look after the patients and sometimes she joins the doctor team to operate the patient. She spends almost of her time at the hospital and she never feel tired to run this job.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: topic and supporting sentences are ok.
- Grammar : mostly ok.
- Vocab: ok
My sister is a nurse at Bhayangkara Hospital. She has worked there for five years. Her main job in the hospital are helping doctor to look after the patients and sometimes she joins the doctor team to operate the patient. She spends almost of her time at the hospital and she never feel tired to run this job.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: topic and supporting sentences are ok.
- Grammar : mostly ok.
- Vocab: ok
Feedback on Assignment 1 – Sudirja Hariwibowo’s Group
Going On Vacation
Going on vacation at Taipa beach was boring. We started from campus at 10 A.M and arrived at 4 P.M. along the trip, the bus had not radio so we couldn’t enjoy the trip with music. ___ way to Taipa, the tire of the bus was broken. The driver took an hour to fix it. After the bus had been fixed, we continue the trip with the poor quality of street a long the journey. Finally, we arrived at Taipa beach at 4 P.M. unfortunately; the rain had just begun when we arrived at Taipa.
FEEDBACKS:
- Organisation: topic and supporting sentences are excellent.
- Grammar: use of past verbs is very good.
- Sentence 3: On the way to ... (the tire --> tyre), the tyre was flat (bocor)
- Sentence 5 : poor quality of street --> bad road
Going on vacation at Taipa beach was boring. We started from campus at 10 A.M and arrived at 4 P.M. along the trip, the bus had not radio so we couldn’t enjoy the trip with music. ___ way to Taipa, the tire of the bus was broken. The driver took an hour to fix it. After the bus had been fixed, we continue the trip with the poor quality of street a long the journey. Finally, we arrived at Taipa beach at 4 P.M. unfortunately; the rain had just begun when we arrived at Taipa.
FEEDBACKS:
- Organisation: topic and supporting sentences are excellent.
- Grammar: use of past verbs is very good.
- Sentence 3: On the way to ... (the tire --> tyre), the tyre was flat (bocor)
- Sentence 5 : poor quality of street --> bad road
Feedback on Assignment 1 – Faridh Hidayat’s Group
Reading Newspaper
Newspaper is very important to fulfil our dayly activity. In the morning, the family and all people in the world interest in reading the newspaper. There are some kinds of newspaper namely, Kendari Post, Media Indonesia, Kendari Express, etc. in southeast Sulawesi especially Kendari, interesting to read Kendari Post because it have more information than other.
The officer usually read newspaper in their leisure time. They read it to look for some information such as, soccer, business, economic, politic, education. etc. they enjoy it because the newspaper can be entertain them selves in dayly activity and give more actual news.
Feedbacks:
- Org: Topic sentence is ok, but your supporting sentences should be related to it. You should give more explanation why newspaper is important in our daily life.
You should also write about newspapers in general, not about Kendari Pos.
All sentences must be in one paragraph, do not separate some sentences.
- Gram : generally ok. (it have --> it has)
- Some mechanic mistakes : spelling(entertain, dayly), capitalisation after full stop( .they)
Newspaper is very important to fulfil our dayly activity. In the morning, the family and all people in the world interest in reading the newspaper. There are some kinds of newspaper namely, Kendari Post, Media Indonesia, Kendari Express, etc. in southeast Sulawesi especially Kendari, interesting to read Kendari Post because it have more information than other.
The officer usually read newspaper in their leisure time. They read it to look for some information such as, soccer, business, economic, politic, education. etc. they enjoy it because the newspaper can be entertain them selves in dayly activity and give more actual news.
Feedbacks:
- Org: Topic sentence is ok, but your supporting sentences should be related to it. You should give more explanation why newspaper is important in our daily life.
You should also write about newspapers in general, not about Kendari Pos.
All sentences must be in one paragraph, do not separate some sentences.
- Gram : generally ok. (it have --> it has)
- Some mechanic mistakes : spelling(entertain, dayly), capitalisation after full stop( .they)
Feedback on Assignment 1 – La Hamidi’s Group
I Saved My Money to Bank
I saved my money in the Bank because bank is a good place to saved our money. Our money will be safety if we save in the Bank because the bank gives guarante to our money. The other advantages from saved money in the bank are very easy, fast, pleasant and safe. And then the bank gives as reward in case kupon.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: Topic sentence and supporting sentences are good. It could be better if you put more explanation on why saving in bank is esay, fast, pleasant, and safe.
- Grammar : generally ok.
- kupon = coupon
I saved my money in the Bank because bank is a good place to saved our money. Our money will be safety if we save in the Bank because the bank gives guarante to our money. The other advantages from saved money in the bank are very easy, fast, pleasant and safe. And then the bank gives as reward in case kupon.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: Topic sentence and supporting sentences are good. It could be better if you put more explanation on why saving in bank is esay, fast, pleasant, and safe.
- Grammar : generally ok.
- kupon = coupon
Feedbacks on Assignment 1 – Andi Hasman’s Group
My sister is a nurse from PPNI Poltekes in Kendari. Her name is Linda. She was born in Kendari on October, 22th 1985. She studied in her achievement, she is working in Santana Hospital Kendari. Now she is very hapy an our family is happy too.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: topic and supporting sentences need more improvement.
- Grammar and vocab: generally ok.
Sentence 4 is unclear (studied in her achievement??)
small misktake in spelling (hapy)
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: topic and supporting sentences need more improvement.
- Grammar and vocab: generally ok.
Sentence 4 is unclear (studied in her achievement??)
small misktake in spelling (hapy)
Feedback on Assignment 1 – Salam Acimu’s Group
The Pizza Restaurant
The pizza restaurant can be our favorite place to spend time. We always hanging out there with our friends, family or relation. There we can do everythings, because so many vehicles that be ordered the restaurant. Such as eating many kinds of pizza, chat with our family, friend, or relation, browsing the internet, reading, etc.
Feedbacks:
- Org: topic sentence is ok, but you need to write more supporting sentence (why it's your favourite place?).
vehicles = kendaraan?
Sentence 3 and 4 should not be separated.
- Gram: generally ok.
The pizza restaurant can be our favorite place to spend time. We always hanging out there with our friends, family or relation. There we can do everythings, because so many vehicles that be ordered the restaurant. Such as eating many kinds of pizza, chat with our family, friend, or relation, browsing the internet, reading, etc.
Feedbacks:
- Org: topic sentence is ok, but you need to write more supporting sentence (why it's your favourite place?).
vehicles = kendaraan?
Sentence 3 and 4 should not be separated.
- Gram: generally ok.
Feedback on Assignment 1 – Risman’s Group
Reading the Newspaper
Reading the newspaper is my hobbies. I can get many information from it because it is not only provide one information or specific information about something, but also provide many information from all kind of human activity or world activity. I like newspaper because it has so many advantages but, one of its advantages which I like so much is its information.
Feedback:
- Organisation: topic and supporting sentences are ok.
- Gram & Vocab : generally ok.
Reading the newspaper is my hobbies. I can get many information from it because it is not only provide one information or specific information about something, but also provide many information from all kind of human activity or world activity. I like newspaper because it has so many advantages but, one of its advantages which I like so much is its information.
Feedback:
- Organisation: topic and supporting sentences are ok.
- Gram & Vocab : generally ok.
Feedbacks on Assignment 1 - Ali Mustafa's group
Reading the Newspaper
Reading the newspaper give many advantageous for people. By reading the newspaper, we can get more knowledge and it can add knowledge such as knowing the situation or something happen in our country, and also in newspaper there are many informations about health, education, business, work square, and still many information again we can get by reading it.
Feedbacks:
- Org: the topic sentence is good, but you need to write more supporting sentences. You could break the second sentence into shorter sentences.
- Gram: generally ok.
- Vocab: ok
Reading the newspaper give many advantageous for people. By reading the newspaper, we can get more knowledge and it can add knowledge such as knowing the situation or something happen in our country, and also in newspaper there are many informations about health, education, business, work square, and still many information again we can get by reading it.
Feedbacks:
- Org: the topic sentence is good, but you need to write more supporting sentences. You could break the second sentence into shorter sentences.
- Gram: generally ok.
- Vocab: ok
Feedback on Assignment 1 – Rahma’s Group
My Sister
My sister is a smart girl. She was born in Bau-Bau, December 1st, 1984. So she is 24 years old. She is a clever student in her university, she graduated her study only 4 years.
She not only smart in academic but also at organization in her university. She never became the leader of PMII. Now, she has been working in her university as a lecturer. But, she still has dream to continue her study in Australia. Although, she is very busy, but she always spare her time to visit her family in Bau-Bau.
Feedbacks:
- Org: your topic sentence is good.
- Gram : generally ok.
- Vocab: ok
My sister is a smart girl. She was born in Bau-Bau, December 1st, 1984. So she is 24 years old. She is a clever student in her university, she graduated her study only 4 years.
She not only smart in academic but also at organization in her university. She never became the leader of PMII. Now, she has been working in her university as a lecturer. But, she still has dream to continue her study in Australia. Although, she is very busy, but she always spare her time to visit her family in Bau-Bau.
Feedbacks:
- Org: your topic sentence is good.
- Gram : generally ok.
- Vocab: ok
Feedback on Assignment 1 – Muhari’s Group
Reading The Newspaper
Reading the newspaper is one of the activities that we can do on the break times. We can do it anywhere. By reading the newpaper, we can gert many advantages such us we can get information, knowledge, help our self to know something, etc. Many information which performed at the newspaper like issue today, news, life style, health, education, sport, advertisement, etc. All of that information have benefits for the reader.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: the topic sentence is ok, but it needs more supporting sentences.
- Grammar: ok.
- Vocab: ok
- Needs to improve the mechanics (spelling)
Reading the newspaper is one of the activities that we can do on the break times. We can do it anywhere. By reading the newpaper, we can gert many advantages such us we can get information, knowledge, help our self to know something, etc. Many information which performed at the newspaper like issue today, news, life style, health, education, sport, advertisement, etc. All of that information have benefits for the reader.
Feedbacks:
- Organisation: the topic sentence is ok, but it needs more supporting sentences.
- Grammar: ok.
- Vocab: ok
- Needs to improve the mechanics (spelling)
Feedback on Assignment 1 - Muntiani's Grup
Melanie is a smart student
Melanie is a student in general high school. She is the most clever student in her class and she always get a good mark in all of the subjects. She always study everyday and she also joins with private class. She likes read many books about knowledge, so that she has broad knowledge, her parents and teachers are very proud with her successful.
Feedbacks:
- Org : You should start with more specific topic sentence.
- Gram: you need to be consistent with the use of verbs for 3rd person singular.
- Vocab: the most clever should be the cleverest; proud with should be proud of)
Melanie is a student in general high school. She is the most clever student in her class and she always get a good mark in all of the subjects. She always study everyday and she also joins with private class. She likes read many books about knowledge, so that she has broad knowledge, her parents and teachers are very proud with her successful.
Feedbacks:
- Org : You should start with more specific topic sentence.
- Gram: you need to be consistent with the use of verbs for 3rd person singular.
- Vocab: the most clever should be the cleverest; proud with should be proud of)
Feedback on Assignment 1 - Wa Ode Farisaty’s Group
Your assignment:
My Sister
My sister is a nurse in the Abunawas’s hospital. She go to the hospital at 07.00 a.m. o’clock and went home at 08.00 p.m. o’clock. But sometimes she had spend the night in the hospital, maybe because many patients or maybe it’s her schedule. In there, she keeps and take care the patients. Sometimes she feel bored, but she have to do it because that’s is the conquence of her job.
Feedback:
- Organisation: The topic sentence is ok, and so are the supporting sentences.
- Grammar: you need to be consistent in the use of verb in 3rd person (She goes, not she go)
- Vocabs: not bad
My Sister
My sister is a nurse in the Abunawas’s hospital. She go to the hospital at 07.00 a.m. o’clock and went home at 08.00 p.m. o’clock. But sometimes she had spend the night in the hospital, maybe because many patients or maybe it’s her schedule. In there, she keeps and take care the patients. Sometimes she feel bored, but she have to do it because that’s is the conquence of her job.
Feedback:
- Organisation: The topic sentence is ok, and so are the supporting sentences.
- Grammar: you need to be consistent in the use of verb in 3rd person (She goes, not she go)
- Vocabs: not bad
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